


Clarity and Cowardice

by sentimentalPackrat



Category: Hiveswap, Homestuck
Genre: Crying, Daddy Issues, Ectobiological Incest, F/M, Fucked Up, Hurt/Comfort, I'm so sorry for this, Joey I'm so sorry for that tag, Post-Canon, Pseudo-Incest, Swearing, but someone had to, technically???
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-18
Updated: 2017-09-18
Packaged: 2018-12-31 09:16:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,874
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12129285
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sentimentalPackrat/pseuds/sentimentalPackrat
Summary: Your name is Jake English. And there's something very wrong with you. After all, you're not supposed to be attracted someone who is, in another universe, your daughter. It doesn't matter if it's another universe. It's still wrong. But, here you are...





	Clarity and Cowardice

**Author's Note:**

> hahaha yoooo i'm so sorry for this, but hey if you're into this, more power to you. Hope you like it.

Jake English.

Bile-blooded Jake English

Jake English the Coward.

Jake English the Monster.

Your name is Jake English. And you are quite certain that there is something very, very wrong with you. You've had that feeling for a while, of course. Everything you are has been a lie, after all. You don't like adventure, not really. You never knew what it truly meant. You just lied to yourself. You have a bit of a problem with that. Although, ironically, this problem has nothing to do with lying to yourself. Truthfully, this has more to do with realizing something about yourself. And you hate it. You hate it so much it burns in your throat and makes you want to vomit. You're heinous. You're disgusting. What is wrong with you? She's closer to you than Jade! Jade is just someone who happened to be ecto-biologically related to you. Your other-self only raised her for a few years, at the most. Same for your Grandma, if you think about it.

But, Joey. Poor Joey. Joey who you, _you_ , abandoned. Joey, who's mother you fell in love with. Joey, who you had a part in making _biologically_. Joey, who's your daughter. What... What is _wrong_ with you? What the fuck, English? You can't help it, though. And you hate it. At first, you were sure it was innocent. Your guilt, your care, your need to make it all up to her. It was simple sympathy, right? Haha, of course. If only it were that easy for you, right? Then, you started noticing things. Because of course you did. Of course _you_ did. 

_And..._

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And, what...?

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What's wrong with you?

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Why are you like this?

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You hear the doorbell ring and are brought out of your thoughts. It's probably Dirk, wondering where you've been for the past few days and you're going to have make up some sort of excuse. You shuffle to the door and open it slowly. Your eyes widen as they rest on the person in front of you. Joey. 

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The two of you stare at one another for a while. Her bright blue eyes stare into yours, holding a darkness within them. Yours are filled with an almost panic to them. It takes you a moment to get your bearings, but eventually you step aside to let her in. 

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"G-greetings, Joey." You say, clearing your throat as you move to let her in. She doesn't respond.

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She slowly, mechanically walks to your couch and takes a seat. Your hearts sinks as you follow her. You hate seeing her like this. You hate that she hates you. But, you understand. You're not the hero you thought you were. You're not the good guy in the situation.

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You sit beside her. Close to her. Too close probably, but you don't move. Because you're disgusting. You face her. Her head is tilted down and there are bags under her eyes and it's like she's a thousand miles away and you hate it. This poor girl. She doesn't deserve any of this.

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"Joey?" You ask, because you're not sure if there's anything else you can say.

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She takes a deep breath and sighs, turning her head to meet your gaze. You feel your face flush slightly because gosh, she's gorgeous. She's absolutely beautiful. It makes you wonder how someone so lovely is _related to you,_ because she's your _daughter!_ She's your _daughter, you cow-handed fop! What's the matter with you?_

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"I just..." She starts. "I... I don't know why I'm here, but I just thought I should come..."

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She puts her head in her hands and sulks. "I don't know why."

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You try to put on your best smile, but know it probably looks uneasy and uncertain. Good thing she can't see it. You try to reach out a hand to rest on her shoulder. To comfort her. To take some of her pain away. But then, realize that you can't. Because you're still "Pa" and she hates Pa and if Pa tried to comfort her after abandoning her and her brother for years she'd understandably get angry all over again. And you don't want that. This is the calmest she's been around you since she, Jude, and those two trolls got here.

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"Well, that's quite all right, d- Joey." You say, catching yourself. "Some company is always a splendid surprise!"

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Darling. You meant to say Darling. But, that's fine. Perfectly innocent. It's okay. You're okay. Joey didn't seem to notice your falter though. She turns to look you in the eyes once again. You can't place the look on her face.

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"You sound just like him..." Joey chuckles a bit, darkly.

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You don't know what to say.

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"I mean, how can you not be him? Everyone says you're completely different, but..."

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You frown, biting your bottom lip with your overbite. 

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"But...?"

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"You... You have to be."

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You want to ask why you have to be him, but decide to remain quiet. That would only make her angry, or angrier, that is. You don't know what else to do, so you sheepishly avoid eye contact with her.

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"Why did you leave?"

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You don't know. "...I don't know, Joey."

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You can tell she doesn't like that answer by the way she sighs.

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"Well, why do you _think_ you left?"

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I don't know, you want to say. You don't know because you're not Jake _Harley_ , you're Jake _English_. You're not her dad, _even though you are, she knows it, and you know it, too._

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"I..." What do you say? What can you even say to that? "I don't know..."

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She's silent now, as are you. You really messed her up really badly, didn't you? This... This is all your fault. And you can't even give her the answers she needs. You can't do anything right.

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You hear sniffling beside you. You turn to Joey and find her with her face in her hands, crying softly. You're taken aback. You stomach sinks and you move closer to her. But catch yourself. You arm hangs in the air, ready to wrap around her and hold her tight and comfort her. But, you're not sure. And then, you look down at her, weeping into the palms of her hands, and hell, you can't stand seeing her like this. You take her in your arms as she stiffens in your grip. Her breathing begins to fluctuate as she starts to openly sob. You hug her tightly, whispering comforting words to her.

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You hold her for a while as her breathing slowly regulates and the tears stop. She eventually looks up at you. Her eyes are wide and confused and conflicted and still hold pain. The pain that only fills them whenever you're around. You hate it. You hate how much pain you cause her and hate seeing her hurt and you and you and you-

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And you're a monster. A disgusting, evil monster.

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Because now your lips are brushing against hers. It's so soft and you take a few, selfish seconds to enjoy the feeling before reality comes crashing into you. Your eyes are stretched open wide, wider than they've been before. Joey stares straight at you or maybe deeper than that. Deep into your soul. In her eyes, there's shock. Or fear? You don't know but you don't allow yourself anymore time to figure it out or be close to her or touch her.

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"J-Joey, lo- I- I'm so, so sorry I-" You cut yourself off once you look at her face.

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Joey's mouth is open wide, twitching as if she's trying to form words but can't. You don't like the look in your eyes, but you know it's what you deserve. She jumps up from the couch. She doesn't take her eyes off you as she stumbles backwards to the door and takes off, running as fast as she can from your home. 

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Look at what you've done. What the hell is wrong with you?

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\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

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It's night now, around 8. It's been two days since... Since... You can't bring yourself to even think it, but you remember it. Oh, how you remember it. 

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The doorbell rings. You can only fear what's at the door. Maybe your friends heard of what you did and are here to... confront you. Possibly Jude or Joey's troll friends, ready to take you down because of what you did to her. You wouldn't blame them. Or-

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You open the door.

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-Maybe it's Joey.

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And it is. You lean back somewhat, caught off guard. She's standing out in the dark and shivering slightly. Jaw slack, you open the door for her and she wordlessly enters your home. 

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She sits on the couch in the same spot she did before. You do the same. Too close, _again._ Your heart is hammering in your chest again. Your hands grip your shorts in an attempt to get out some nervous energy. Your mouth is so dry. What do you say? 

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"Why did you kiss me?" Joey asks suddenly.

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Oh fuck. _Oh fuck Oh fuck Oh fuck Oh fuck Oh fuck Oh fuck._

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What do you say? What in the world do you say?! How can you answer this at all? You're such an idiot. Jake English, the least intelligent, most horrid person in all of existence. 

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"I..." You manage to choke out. "I don't know..."

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Great. Great job, Jake. 

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"Do..." You hear her say, and you slowly turn to face her. "Do you love me?"

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"Yes." You say without hesitation.

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You say it without hesitation because you do, in a way. You care for her and think she's beautiful and want to help her and you don't want her to hurt. But, you know that's not what she means. She's not asking Jake _English,_ she's asking her Pa, Jake _Harley._ But, of course, you say yes anyways. Because you're horrible like that.

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She takes a few seconds to let your answer sink in and then looks at you straight in the eyes, again. She leans closer to you and you freeze in your seat. She tilts her head upwards and her lips brush against yours. And because you're terrible, because you're a vile, wicked person- No, _monster_ \- You press back, wrapping your arms around her.

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It's lovely. It's exactly how you imagined. Soft and sweet and wondrous. But, soon it all falls apart. You feel wetness against your cheeks and open your eyes to see Joey crying. You pull away, pain working it's way into your heart. No, you hate seeing her like this. You kiss her cheeks, trying to smooch her tears away. This is only makes her cry more. You pull her closer to you.

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You whisper in her ear, "I love you."

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She takes a shaky breath and you frown deeply. You're just ruining her more. Because she wants her Pa. Maybe she thinks this is the only way her Pa will love her. Maybe she's been alone for so long that she'll take anything from someone who looks even somewhat like her Pa. You don't know. You don't know a lot of things. But, you do know that you're wrong. There's something wrong with you. And you hate that, but you don't hate it enough to stop.

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End file.
